Article: The Case for Sex Education for Men

OK, here I go again, ready to lose readers…

I do not consider myself a sex educator, or a sex writer, or even a sex blogger. I consider myself an average José trying to navigate the minefield of 21st Century personal relationships while sharing with others my hobby of using sex toys and being a voice for those who are in the same position that I am. This is often difficult because 1) I am an old dog with contrarian views, 2) I have a completely different cultural background than most people around me, and 3) I am not politically correct. Taking in account  the communities I deal with, you can imagine that now and then I will get into arguments with members of said communities…

The most recent episode was earlier this week thanks to an advertisement line from a sex toy vendor that was, in my opinion, misinterpreted by some fellow sex toy reviewers / sex bloggers. Advertisements like “This one will never say no!” referring to sex dolls can be easily misinterpreted as a consent issue when in reality is based on an availability issue – an issue well known and discussed by men in long term relationships. Of course, automatically I was considered to be on the same league as the character in this song…

But why vendors use this language?

The answer is very simple – most vendors are average guys. In the United States, that average guy does not have a college diploma – 42% of men in the USA has a HS diploma or less. Another 21% has some college – maybe 1 or two years – but did not get a diploma (2013 US Census Bureau Data). The guy owning / marketing a small sex shop most likely has 6th grade level literacy skills and is promoting his merchandise to guys with a 5th grade literacy skills, so do not expect big fancy words. BTW, don’t brag too much – the average US college first year student has a 7th grade reading level…

Add that lack of formal education to a deficient sexual education approach during our formative years, the fact that very few men (and women) consider sex toys for men a positive thing, the common use of sex as a bargaining chip in long term relationships, and the disparity between desired sex between men and women after their 30’s and no one should be surprised about using crude / “offensive” language in those promotions. The message is for guys frustrated with sex denial, but who still love and respect their partners to avoid 1) cheating on them, 2) forcing sex on them, or 3) a  nasty and unnecessary divorce process.

But there are other ways to promote sex toys…

Of course… but most of them are useless when dealing with a population that learned about sex watching porn, grew up without positive male role models, and receives constant contradictory messages about relationships in the media. The methods used to promote goods to someone with a PhD are completely different to the methods used to promote goods to someone with a HS diploma. Sounds classist / racist / elitist but ask any marketing expert, and they will agree with the essence of this statement.

We need to educate our straight men or these tactics will continue.

Most straight men in the United States are just discovering sex toys. As I wrote HERE, male sex toys for straight guys are a relative new thing with the newest brands being around for 20 years. Also, there is a lack of sexual education for straight men – both during our formative years and during our adulthood.

As I have mentioned before, the sexual education industry is dominated by women and the LGBT community. Nothing bad with that – thanks to their efforts sex education has become a mainstream discussion topic -, but in a way, their reliance on feminist rhetoric (notice the lower case “f”) has maligned the “cisgender male” figure and voice. It will sound stupid, but I had been assisting to different sexual education forums for the past 25 years of my life and with a couple of exceptions, the sessions had been centered on women and non-traditional relationships. Besides the occasional “How to give an expert blow job!” session, I have not seen sessions teaching men how to deal with relationships, managing rejection, or how to deal with men health issues like testicular and prostate cancer in general sexual education shows.

You know where I had been able to find education about how to avoid health issues affecting me and my dick? In MRA-sponsored activities which are often maligned in social media, picketed by feminist groups, and even mocked in mainstream media. Since the “Movember” idea came out in 2004, it has been criticized as “misogynist” and “micro aggression” for two things: celebrating masculinity (growing a mustache / beard) and by creating conscience about an illness that only affect men (prostate cancer). Do  not even mention the roar and ridicule in all media formats after the cancellation of a male contraceptive medication study back in 2013 was published in late October. Did not matter that the study was cancelled because of errors in its administration – which created a series of unexpected secondary effects – and that the medication is still in its early testing process, magazines, social media and other outlets had a field day calling men “whiners” because we could not manage “little mood swings” and some “acne”. Anything related to male sex health is a potential joke.

Fortunately, there is a new generation of professionals pushing the sexual education of straight men as a priority for our society. There are different approaches out there like Hooking Up and Staying Hooked which relies on comics and short articles teaching young men how to hook up with women on a healthy way while having relationships as a goal. Many male sex toy reviewers – myself included – have the policy of not using derogatory words in our blogs / vlogs when referring to women or people in the LGBT community. Not sharing their views or beliefs does not give me the right to insult them – even if they have insulted me.

But the sex industry had been always been centered on straight men pleasure…

The sex industry – porn, erotica, and even lingerie – in a way had been centered on our pleasure. But of course, remember who still purchase and finance most of these products… Porn still caters to male fantasies, but thanks to technology and the lower cost of making and distributing movies in general, more and more women and members of the LGBT community are producing content targeted to other sectors of the population. Female directors / producers like Stormy Daniels, Nina Hartley, Jackie St. James, and Joanna Angel are just a sample of directors doing a variety of scenes targeted to different segments of the population. The current trend in porn is not the hardcore gangbang – it is the parody of popular movies and series, which is much more couple friendly than the old pizza delivery fantasy set up.

Besides, I am talking about sexual education, not the sex industry. Although our pleasure has been the center of the sex industry, most men do not know about real sexual pleasure. Our understanding of sexual pleasure is limited to “choke the chicken”, “rub a quick one”, “make her swallow”, or “fuck the shit” out of someone. Nothing about erogenous zones, foreplay, or non-penetration sex. Nothing about real BDSM, which is surprisingly more relationship and partner caring centered than most people think. Our twisted understanding of sexuality can often be blamed to the fantasies from porn – and now that porn is so easily available, right sexual education for the straight guy is more needed than ever.

If you do not believe me, remember…this phrase helped to win an election!


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