If there is something Puerto Rico is known for, is for the beauty of its women.  Many of today’s hottest Hollywood bodies – Jennifer Lopez, Roselyn Sanchez, Zoe Saldana, Rosario Dawson, Michelle Rodriguez, and La La Anthony among others – are Puerto Rican or have some Puerto Rican heritage. Add five Miss Universe pageant winners since 1970 and you have to admit we have hot women in our small, tiny island. Their main attractive? Their ass…

If you ask me about the women with the best asses in the world, I have to say Puerto Rican, Brazilian, Colombian, and Venezuelan. I know I am biased – I’m Puerto Rican after all – but when you grow up watching asses that put J-Lo’s to shame, you have to defend your girls at all costs!

Because Captain, IT IS TOO MUCH ASS FOR YOU TO HANDLE!!!!

With that background, you can imagine me salivating when I received Pipedreams’ J-Ho. I knew the doll was not going to look like Jennifer Lopez – or even the hot Latina shown on the cover – , but at least I expected a tanned, “ass-tastic” inflatababe. After all, the main selling point of this doll is its ass and even in the promotional material Pipedreams writes:

“She’s got the most envied ass in the business and now it’s all yours! She went from being “Jenny from the block” to having “been around the block,” and now you can enjoy every inch of this beautiful Bronx bombshell. Her thick, round ass is begging to be squeezed, spanked and pounded deep and hard. She likes it rough, rugged and raw…so give her everything you’ve got and don’t disappoint!”

You see the package and see a hot smoking  Latina with her round ass inviting you to fuck that with everything you have. She even has the stereotypical giant hoop earrings every Latina use in The Bronx! (I live there, so I see those damn hoops every-fucking-day).

If you expect to open the box and finding a doll like that model, you are the most naive bastard in the planet. But nothing, I mean NOTHING can prepare you for the crap that you will receive…

Not only the doll is UGLY, it is unusable. In fact, it is false advertisement!

In the time when you can buy dolls with four color, digitally printed faces for $15, Pipedream expect you to spend $20 – $30 in a doll with a face drawn by a 5-years old kid using MS Paint, cone shaped breasts without nipples, unnatural color, and more important – NO ASS.

Honestly, I was not expecting a hot copy of J-Lo… but at least an usable doll with a big ass. Instead, what you get is one of the ugliest looking dolls I have seen since I began reviewing sex toys with not even the hint of  curves. It is just a generic 1980’s inflatable doll placed inside a box…

Inflated Photos

WTF?

Again… WTF??!!

Where is her ASS?

Sadly, this doll is not just ugly, it is also unusable. The seams are too pronounced and too sharp, so no matter the hole you try to use, it can seriously cut your little friend to ribbons. And really, if this doll gives you a semi, you deserve to have your dick cut.

OK, I’m over-reacting. As a Puerto Rican I find the existence of this doll simply an insult. At least, they could have tried to make a doll with a curved figure – come on, the Japanese dolls have better asses than the J-Ho, and Japanese women are flat compared to Latinas!

Was THIS look so difficult to get on a vinyl doll?

That said, don’t waste your money on this doll. It is more a gag item than a real sex doll.

Looks: 1/5 (Ugliest I had seen.)
Realism: 1/5 (Flat ass, cone tits, MS Paint face)
Fuckability: 1/5 (You need to be desperate…)
Durability: 5/5 (Look sturdy… really sturdy)
Inflation / Deflation: 3/5 (You will need a pump or really good lungs)

Verdict: Simply a rip-off. Not only the doll is ugly and completely outdated, it simply does not deliver the promise of a round ass. Most Japanese dolls will be more generous on this area than the J-Ho.

OK, I will calm down…

FUCK YOU Pipedream, FUCK YOU!